There are many ways to be a masochist. The worst way to be a masochist is when you enjoy pain unconsciously, when the things you do are exactly the opposite of what you want. Or perhaps you do not enjoy pain at all, but all other indications would say that you do, given your habits (perhaps lack of sleep?). In both scenarios you have a problem. I am talking to you because I am selfless and I want to help. I too am a self-saboteur and I have decided to dedicate my life to your ignoble suffering.
I am going to tell you what-is-what and there in no argument. I have toiled in the depths of human suffering (as I have decided) and I have emerged from its depths unscathed and with profound wisdom which is useful to everyone. Think of my great insight as a giant mammary gland which has enough nipples for everyone. This is true nourishment. This is what you need to hear.
I often reflect on the blindness which was my former life. I recall the worry, the anxiety and the decisions made subsequently out of fear. It is like being a man who jumps off the edge of a cruise ship when he hears "Fire! Fire!" believing that water is the best solution for his situation. In my days as a lost child, when someone told me not to worry, I immediately assumed they were Rastafarian and decided not to take them seriously.
My intolerance of Rastafarians was due to my own fears. I saw their carefree lifestyle and found it immoral. "They're supposed to be freaking-the-fuck-out like everyone else, they're supposed to be toiling like everyone else, they are ignoring reality".
While I felt noble for trying to make a name for myself, my industrious anxiety all became more disturbing when it started to interfere with my sex life. Let's use the cruise ship analogy again:
It is like being a man who jumps off the edge of a cruise ship when he sees a beautiful, naked woman who is interested in having sex, believing that the open ocean is the best solution for his situation. Sound like psychosis? It is. The cause of this activity is still a major subject of scientific study.
While the man is treading his last moments away in the open water, he must consider what his objectives are, not long term or short term. As the cruise ship disappears on the horizon, he realizes that something is wrong and he suddenly begins to feel very sad. He swears he will never jump off the edge of a cruise ship again.
When I found myself stranded in the middle of the ocean like this poor gentleman, I fortunately had the strength and will-power to swim back to land. I swam back in order that others might benefit from my experience, that my struggles might not be in vain.... Wait.... This is going in a bad direction.
I recently read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl. At the time I was enraptured with Frankl's meaningful suffering. To Frankl, to suffer through existence is like landing a man on the moon: it is another human accomplishment, a triumph for the "Spirit" of humanity. In my opinion, the lunar landing was a huge waste of money, and likewise suffering is never meaningful or worthwhile. Frankl's case is that man can survive through anything with a sense of meaning to their suffering, for Frankl it was surviving the holocaust. But on the earth, we are not designing an obstacle course to challenge people like dogs through hoops. The holocaust should never be rationalized as a test of the human "Spirit". The people that died loved life regardless of how they rationalized their pain.
In all of my mighty wisdom I cannot account for all of the terrible suffering in the world. But my suffering, in a nation where you can have a job and make it by, is unjust, unnecessary and masochistic. You my reader, must become my disciples and quit fucking worrying.
(to be continued)
